Lately I have been obsessed with black old school movies like love and basketball( sanaa Lathan), poetic justice (Tupac Shakur and Janet Jackson), love Jones (Larenz Tate and Nia Long) ,queen and slim (2019) well the list goes on and on. I’m watching these movies and it depicts this black struggle when it comes to love or justice. Old school love strikes a cord in me. Coincidentally I went to the salon and my hair dresser who;s probably my mums’ age mate tells me about failed relationships and lifestyle. My chain of thoughts flows from gratitude to worth. It’s midnight.
Monday night as I had finished watching love and basketball, its one movie that has won numerous accolades over the years. Love is meant to be simple but from ancient times, medieval period…no one would understand it. Its simple yet confusing. x meets y but x cant tell y how he likes her and y cant tell x she likes him not unless y does it first. No one wants to get hurt but everyone has been hurt at some point. Its so simple in that you are meant to express yourself and treat the other person like they matter but for some reason people fall short. My thoughts are so in depth that I begin to wonder why people have to always part ways so that the other person realizes that they lost gold while scrambling for rocks. In my head I am already thinking about how you have to kiss frogs and they have to teach you tough lessons that aren,t taught in a classroom and lecture halls for you to know you deserve better. This movie leaves me wondering whether I met my man at some point and we had to part ways so that we mess it up with other people until the universe ensures we collide. I actually read that by 16-22, you have already crossed paths with the person that will marry you and at this point im thinking about so many people but my visceral just cant believe it.
Why do people settle for less? Why do we quit fighting for things we are passionate about? Why are we scared to tell our crushes that we really like them and we hate the fact that we actually like them? Why is it that people are so depressed today and jaded yet we are more empowered and more educated than in the 90’s? Why are men never emotionally attached ? Why do people leave in the end? How can people get married but today it barely stays 5 years old? What were our grandparents and parents doing right that this generation just cant seem to fix it? Why cant a man be content with only one woman? We all need someone to lean on but at what cost when they will still leave? why are there so many single mothers? Why do we need drugs to make as zen? Why are people so scared to get babies but unbothered with their health? why doesn’t religion matter anymore and arguing about the existence of God is cool? why are men committing suicide every single day? Why is it okay for people to have sex with no strings attached?
Truth is, its messy. Guys would rather buy cars and party till they are 30 but still have a chic whom they are sure they cant marry. They say every man has a woman and that God created people in pairs so where is this LGBT coming from? If a woman has a fellow woman, where is this partner at and vice versa?. Having a conversation with the hair dresser, she simply tells me , “how will things work when kids are left for the nanny to raise them when people are working to fit lifestyles? People are dating via whats app.” she tells me how in the olden days a man would pick you at your door and take you out and he’ll pay the bills irregardless of whether he has a car or not he will return you home safely. A woman knew their worth and the men would purse women because they are wired to be hunters but now women are at their disposal. A man will get bored, scroll through his contacts and call a chic to his home, use her and leave her. Those days if he wanted you, you’ll just see him with his kinsmen at your home and if you approve, you start life and grow together. Now, its what car he drives first and when he gets broke because life happens, he becomes a drunkard and gets a mpango wa kando (side chic) who will appreciate him as a man or he will get into depression and commit suicide.
I’m still thinking and I wish that he would:
Love me like the 90’s where you don’t feel like its a bother to show up and pick me and drop me irregardless of whether you own a car or not. Love me like the 90’s where we can keep our phones at bay when we’re together and have deep conversations and laugh. Love me like the 90’s where we can go for good dates like picnics, bike riding or even walks at karura forest. Love me like the 90’s where we can meet in churches or mosque after prayers and go for coffee. Love me like the 90s where we can be open and bring your people to my people and we start life without wasting my precious time. Love me like the 90s and we can listen to Shakur and Biggie or Aaliyah and Ashanti and say ‘yeah we are the 90s babies.’ well… if you’re from the 80’s this applies too. Be with me and lets get babies with condition that family is your priority. No one said it would be perfect but by the time I say I do, I have already seen your potential and I want us to fight. To hell with a generation where a after fight you are on to the next kind of shit. Sadly darling, most times when you run and the other person has always been good to you…just know that the grass is never green on the other side.
In the old school movies, in the olden times…our parents knew their roles. A man would be a provider, protector and hardworking. Valiant in battle and noble in defeat. Now, they can be all that but then if he’s too good they\ll say you aren’t the only one in his life. Despair has always been there since time in memorial where things wouldn’t work out no matter how hard you try but over time , I have learnt that its easier to pray the pain away than involve people in your problems. pray then let go…you’ll be surprised at how magic happens. I’m still deep in thought and someone crosses my mind but I cant call him then I realize that you need to forgive because even when the past calls, there’s nothing new it will have to say when you pick up. Forgive yourself and forgive people who never apologized because sometimes you don’t have to be mad, just done!
I’m not old as my mother and hairdresser would say but I;m not young as I can;t do the things that I used to do in campus but I’m wise enough to know better. I’m wise enough to choose me and be selfish with me. I can only go where I feel appreciated and not tolerated. I’m wise enough to know that its okay to cut ties with people whose chapter in my life is over even family members. I can’t allow people to take advantage of my emotions, my time and my mental health. Its okay to declutter. It’s okay to wish people well and keep walking…keep moving. As I think and its almost 1 a.m , I look at some contacts and I declutter. If we ever meet on the streets its okay, we can hi and bye with a smile as a bonus. My motto for the year is choose those that choose you. The moment you start second guessing if you fit in , that’s an answer in its own. positive vibes only.
I watched poetic justice and this is Tupacs’ best movie to me because he is more gentle and loving than probably ‘juice’ or ‘above the rim’ but it teaches me that you have love and love and love some more. Give love second chances because you just never know. Learn why people are the way they are because pain teaches the toughest lessons and teaches the deepest lessons but it changes people. When you say “i gotcha” you got to mean it. Everything works out in the end.
RnB is playing and I got to sleep but my thoughts are focused on my future. A future whereby tomorrow isn’t granted but believing that God gave us hope and a future but today is what we have to be grateful for. Its raining outside and I’m thinking about how merciful God is to me. The fact that I’m warm, I have a roof over my head, I have had a meal, I am healthy, I have my mum in the next room, I have siblings that love me. My brain is my greatest asset and my eyes can pierce through your soul . I feel grateful that none of us has been in jail and worse off, incarcerated when innocent like the movie “when they see us”. I’m grateful because I keep growing by the day positively and I’m wiser. I have sharpened my visceral skills.
Dozing off… my thoughts make me smile but my eyes are shutting.
Thank you for reading, RAMADHAN KAREEM TO MY FELLOW MUSLIM BROTHERS AND SISTERS.